Regardless of age, race, gender, geography, or line of work, feeling like you are never enough seems to be a significant part of life.
Stulberg distills the key messages down to a simple faulty principle of modern life- heroic individualism that we have all been subliminally sucked into. The constant feeling of being rushed, worry, tiredness, the treadmill of life, the daily grind, will resonate with most people- myself included.
What do I stand for? How do I want to live? What do I want to do with my short time on this earth? These are all key questions that the book poses and helps us to consider the answers that will work for us.
The book offers many practical solutions and ideas to the modern problem of heroic individualism, backed up with a healthy dose of scientific and academic research.
In essence, we need to give ourselves permission to not always have everything together and planned. We need to accept that life is unpredictable, with so many aspects outside of our control. To resist this basic concept of life will inevitably make the situation worse. It’s about allowing ourselves to feel pain, hurt, worry, greed, anger, jealousy, sadness, emptiness and all the other unpleasant emotions that are core to being human, even though our culture’s heroic individualism tells us we shouldn’t.
"It’s realizing that not every day is going to be perfect, and that’s okay. It’s about being humble. It’s about constantly knowing where I am."
Stulberg paints a lovey tree metaphor to illustrate this concept of groundedness. The outward facing image of a tree is what is above ground- the high hanging branches, yet the true strength of a tree lies in it’s deep root structure which nourishes and secures the tree during the challenges of daily life. The storms of life may blow the tree’s branches, but it is the root structure that provides the firm foundations for the tree during these stormy times.
Continuing the metaphor, if we constantly focus on expanding and developing our outward selves via heroic individualism (the visible branches), and neglect to build our deeper selves (the roots), the tree will soon become too top heavy, unstable and prone to a fatal breakdown at some point in time.
"Groundedness is unwavering internal strength and self-confidence that sustains you through ups and downs. It is a deep reservoir of integrity and fortitude, of wholeness, out of which lasting performance, well-being, and fulfilment emerge."
The book goes onto examine the concept of happiness in our lives. Stulberg explains that the key to being happy isn’t to always want and strive for more. Instead, happiness is found in the present moment, in creating a meaningful life and being fully engaged in it. If we are constantly searching for happiness in the future, and our expectations are always higher than our reality, then we will never be content with our lives. Research has looked at the happiest countries in the world and found:
"While the Danes are very satisfied, their expectations are rather low."
Other lessons from Groundedness
Accept Where You Are, to Get You Where You Want to Go. Seeing clearly, accepting, and starting where you currently are. Not where you want to be, not where you think you should be, not where other people think you should be but where you are right now.
Life is not easy. Things don’t always go our way. The human life is a messy one. Much more is outside our control than we would wish: aging, illness, mortality, the economy, the actions of people we care about, to name just a few. This can be a hard, and at times scary, reality to accept, but we must accept it as a reality to be able to move on.
Be Present So You Can Own Your Attention and Energy. Being present, both physically and mentally, for what is in front of you each day. Spending more time fully focused in this moment, not in thoughts about the past or future- they are either already gone or have not yet happened.
Be Patient and You’ll Get There Faster. Giving things time and space to unfold. Not trying to escape the pressures of life by simply moving at a faster pace. Not expecting instant results and then quitting when they don’t occur. Playing the long game. Staying on the path instead of constantly veering off in new directions.
Embrace Vulnerability to Develop Genuine Strength and Confidence. Showing up authentically and be real with yourself and with others. Eliminating the differences between your workplace self, your online self, and your actual self so that you know and trust your true self. You will then gain the freedom and confidence to devote your energy to what matters most to you as an individual.
Build Deep Community. Nurturing genuine connection and belonging with others. Prioritising not just productivity, but people, too. Immersing yourself in supportive communities that will hold and support you through the ups and downs, and that will give you the chance to do the same for others.
Move Your Body to Ground Your Mind. Regularly moving your body so that you fully inhabit it, connect it to your mind, and as a result become more firmly grounded wherever you are.
Practical tips to take away
Recognise what is happening now. Allow life to be just as it is. Investigate your inner experience with kindness and curiosity, not with judgement and unkind self talk.
Imagine that a friend is going through the same challenging situation as you. How would you look at that friend? What advice would you give them? Let your inner voice be your own best friend.
Treat yourself like a crying baby. Anyone who has ever held a crying baby knows that yelling back at them only makes matters worse.
When distressed, we need to resist the inner urge to yell at ourselves, but show ourselves love and compassion instead. If that doesn’t work, we must stop engaging in the situation and create a safe space for us to do the equivalent of crying it out. Crying is a good release.
When things are really tough, simply stop and say, This is what is happening right now. I’m doing the best I can.
Focus on no more than three priorities each week. For each priority, come up with a few key actions. Write both the priorities and actions down and refer to them regularly each day. Resist the temptation to engage in whatever new opportunities may arise during the week—they will continue to arising—and continue to focus on the long game instead.
“Teach us to care and not to care.”
T.S.Eliot
Within every day, set aside blocks of time for undistracted work and intimate connection and then, during the rest of the day, whatever happens, happens. Start by committing to, and completing two thirty-minute blocks of deep-focus work throughout the day and each day will feel like a success.
Make a list of the difficult conversations you need to have, accept these will be challenging and awkward, but have them anyway. Stop procrastinating about the truly important things that need to be done.
Don’t be afraid to turn off your phone and be present with the situation or the people around you. Never have your phone in the bedroom.
Take up a hobby that you once loved but have neglected over time. Rediscover the passion and get present in the moment.
Walk regularly- 3 times per week at least.
Journaling- the more you reflect on and internalize how it feels to be fully present, the less likely you’ll give in to distractions. You’ll reflect that the hollow and short-lived rewards you get from real life distractions—checking your emails, likes, comments, and retweets—pale in comparison to the far deeper gift of being fully present for the meaningful people and projects in your life.
Mindfulness through daily meditation develops wisdom, compassion, and presence in your life. It provides a dedicated time and space in life for you.
Volunteering may be especially powerful for individuals approaching retirement or who are recently retired.
Spirituality can be as simple—and as beautiful—as gathering with friends to watch the sunset, in awe of the expansive universe that we wondrously inhabit, no formal religion is necessary.
Remember that it is okay to not be okay. Problems arise when you are not okay with not being okay, and when you don’t seek support.
"Stay on the path. Fall off the path. Get back on the path. It’s as simple and as hard as that."
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