Malcolm was a kind and caring man who I am proud to say was my Dad. We lost him suddenly to an aggressive cancer over a few short months in the summer of 2021. Dad was my soul mate, my mentor and my confidant. I miss him so very much each and every day, but find comfort in the fact that he has left a legacy of wisdom with me from our life together. Whenever we were together in those final few months I always said to him that I could write a book centred around his words of wisdom…so here are a few initial teasers of what may be to come.
Dad was a very modest and proud Yorkshireman. He came from a simple working class family of rural labourers, steeped in the traditional values of working and playing hard. He was the first in the family to attain a trade- being a successful master carpenter for his entire working life. He was quite a philosopher without actually knowing it. He found God in his adult life and lived his life in a kind and considerate way, showing unconditional love to everyone he came across. To many peoples surprise, he was incredibly well read in the scriptures and studied every morning for over 40 years to better his understanding of his faith. He was charitable in the extreme- always freely giving of his time, effort and love in a very practical way to those less fortunate. He was straight talking, never mincing his words and never reluctant to call a spade a fucking shovel (unless he was in a house of God). Despite his religious knowledge and wisdom, he never really got to grips with the concept of modern politically correctness. On many occasions we had to have discussions about whether it was ok to say the things he did- which he was always keen to learn from. He would never knowingly go out of his way to offend anyone.
So here we go, a collection of wise words from a wise man…
Every man needs a shed. This was the secret to Dads fulfilled life. Of course he meant every man or woman needs a shed. He was always keen to point out that the shed could take on many shapes- it could be a shed, bike, weights, fish, church, book, stamps etc. The simple fact was that everyone needs a place to retreat to in life, a happy place that is just for them. A place that brings us joy- and a joy and passion that others may struggle to understand. It does not need to be a physical place, but an experiential or a mental space that we can retreat to.
Dad had a number of sheds- his woodshed to continue his lifelong work with wood, his allotment, his church and his faith. He was at pains to point out that the secret of a successful marriage was the presence of sheds. He had his sheds, and Mum had hers and this was important for the marriage to be a success. Mum had absolutely no interest in Dad’s sheds, but she knew that they brought him joy and that was fine.
Dad instilled this wisdom in me from a very young age and it is something that I have had a long time to consider. I have always had a sporting shed that I have been able to retreat to, whether it be rugby, triathlon, CrossFit or mountain climbing. These sheds have evolved over time and have come and gone during the different parts of my life as my circumstances have changed. They have provided a valuable support for my marriage to Jackie, always ensuring as a couple that we have our own sheds to retreat to in order to keep our marriage strong.
A shed that I have developed later in life is my love of writing. When I think about it now, there are a lot of similarities with Dad’s study of the scriptures in his later life. Dad was always self effacing about his school education, saying that he left all of that education stuff to Mum. He was never confident about reading or writing and kept this particular shed a private part of his life. I feel much the same about my writing. I was told that I was never any good at English at school, and spent my school life surviving in the bottom sets. When we started our travels in our VW Campervan we amassed a huge portfolio of travel photos. On the back of this, I submitted a written article about one of our trips to a VW magazine that was eventually published. I realised that I had a creative motivation to write, and I enjoyed the process. I had a lot to learn and develop in this new shed, but ultimately it brought a new strand of joy to my life. I know that Dad was very proud of the articles that I produced in his lifetime.
Most things are better than digging ditches or putting roofs on in winter. Dad had a really simple philosophy when I used to moan to him about some of my daily struggles. Dad had led a tough life of physical labour- where if he didn’t work, he didn’t get paid. His Dad’s life was even tougher- Grandad was a regular grave digger in the local village and was not adverse to giving the undertaker a lift when business was busy. He dug graves by hand for a bit of cash- getting a little more per foot in the winter months when the ground was frozen. Taking life’s problems back to the basics of hard, physical work had a really grounding effect on me. When I was worrying about the tone of an email I had received, or was not looking forward to a potentially challenging conversation, I reminded myself that I was getting paid to do a job I love, I was getting paid well and I wasn’t having to put my life at risk on icy roofs to keep food on the table for my family.
Keep your tools sharp. As a proud craftsman who had served his time, Dad was diligent in keeping his tools sharp. He would spend time in his garage each evening servicing and sharpening his tools ready for the next day at work. It was probably the last thing that he wanted to do after a long day on the tools, but he knew that it would make the following day more productive and ultimately safer if his tools were sharp. Dad had really strong views on the dangers of working with blunt tools- it made the job harder, it lacked accuracy and ultimately you are more likely to take your finger off with a blunt tool, as you have to work twice as hard to get the job done.
How often do we take time out of our day to sharpen our tools? I discussed this a lot with dad about the differences in our jobs. He was clear in the fact that my tools for work were very different to his, but required just the same maintenance to keep them operational. I needed to go into each new day knowing that I was best prepared for the work ahead. Making sure that my calendar was accurate, my information systems up to date, meetings and conversations properly planned for, etc. Similarly, in an industry of knowledge processing, it was important to keep my mind sharp and well rested ready for the inevitable challenges of each new day.
Believe in God and deal in cash. Dad came from a different generation, where it was the norm to ask the question how much for cash?. He never wavered in this, and it very much made him who he was. His view was that if you never ask, you never get. He believed that everyone in life has a margin to work towards and rarely do they go to that margin at the first time of asking. The addition of his Believe in God prefix came much later in Dad’s life, but it added to the honest approach he was trying to cultivate.
Traditional values have their place, they are warm, comforting and reassuring to people. Trust is so important in our relationships with others. Making it clear to people in an honest and open way what values you stand for was one of Dad’s guiding principles. Similarly, the importance of believing in something brings hope and trust to a relationship. Dad never forced his beliefs on anyone, myself included- but I do know that his strong belief in God- was the foundation in which he built his life.
When life covers you in shit, treat it not as shit- but manure and grow through it. This was a latter day saying that will forever be synonymous for me with Dad’s battle with cancer during the summer of 2021. The day that we got called into the hospital to get his prognosis will stay with me for a number of reasons, but Dad was typically upbeat and positive. One thing that we know son is that they are going to serve us up a right barrow load of shit today, the question will be- is it one barrow load or two? I guess on reflection, it was probably the two barrow loads that day…but we never discussed the degree of shit volume further.
Dad had an amazing habit of maintaining his positivity and lightening the mood, no matter how he was feeling deep down inside. Re-framing the concept of bad news or bad luck as an opportunity for growth disempowers the negative feelings and somehow makes things feel automatically better. Of course they do not change the actual issues one bit, but if our perception of them can swing to the positive, it makes the hard times so much more bearable.
You can’t control what happens to you in life but you can control how you feel about it. I guess that this point of wisdom evolved over time into the barrow loads of shit principle above. Without knowing it, Dad came up with this idea on his own, independent of all the psychological research that has been produced around the concept of Stimulus-Response thinking. It is fair to say that Dad was not a great reader of psychological research papers! He put things simply- things happen to us in life and we have no control over these events or when they occur. We do however have a choice about how we respond to them, that will ultimately produce an outcome for us.
Dad encouraged us never to worry about the things that we could not control- what will be will be was his mantra- even when dealing with his cancer diagnosis. What he was adamant that we did very much did need to concern ourselves with however was the actions that we would put in place together following that diagnosis. Dad held onto this principle right to the very end and I know that it was a lasting comfort to him.
Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good. No matter what happens, you will be just fine. Dad’s basic acceptance that life is tough is a solid foundation to build our expectations of life on. If we think that life will be a bed of roses all the time, we will be sorely disappointed. That’s not to say that we should be unduly negative about life, but we do need to accept a degree of downs as well as hoping for a good proportion of ups. The key is that no matter what life throws at us, things generally will work out ok, as long as we keep moving forward- or in Dad’s immortal words- KBO- keep buggering on.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change. This is closely linked to the previous point. Dad gave me this wisdom related to being a parent. It is something that I have subsequently shared with any fellow parents that will care to listen. Parenting goes in cycles- when things are going really well, rest assured that the wheels will soon come off and it will all turn to shit. Similarly, when things are going badly, rest assured that if we hang on in there, the situation will soon take a turn for the better. From my professional experience, this is particularly relevant to parenting during the teenage years.
Treat others how you would like to be ‘tret. It took me to the age of 49 to realise that ‘tret is not a word in the English dictionary…although I am absolutely certain it is a mainstay in the Yorkshire dictionary! I still have to counter myself when wanting to use this beautiful word in public. For our family, it came down to three simple words that were the pillars of this expectation- polite, courteous respect. All of these words Dad pointed out cost nothing. They are actions that are free to everyone. It costs nothing to be polite- to show a lack of manners illustrates your own shortfalls as a person. To be courteous is a similar mirror of our character. Respect is something that is earned- it cannot be demanded. The best way to earn respect is to show people respect.
If you need an illustration of this powerful principle try this- the next time you are in the super market at the tills, take time to genuinely thank the cashier for their time. Ask them how their day has been. Thank them for their service before you leave. It will make you feel better, it will hopefully make them feel better, and together we will have spread a little joy around the world.
What other people think of you is none of your business. If we spend our time worrying what other people think about us, it will be a long hard life of introspection and paranoia. In reality, as long as we are satisfied that we treat others with the best intentions, what they really think about us is none of our business. Be happy with the standards that we set ourselves and rest easy knowing that we always have the best intentions for the decisions that we make.
Success and happiness are two different things. This was a deep one from Dad- and it took a while to get to grips with it. I will try and explain as best as I can, but I offer no guaranteed of clarity. You may need to take some time to think about this one for yourself.
We can have success in our lives, but it does not guarantee happiness. We can win all the awards, get the best salary, have the greatest holidays and yet can be deeply unhappy. Dad was at pains to point out that money does not influence true happiness- it obviously helps as it brings comfort and ultimately survival in life, but it is not everything in life.
Once we have met our basic needs of shelter, food and water, thereafter happiness comes from deeper aspects of life. Relationships, being loved and loving others, contentment, gratitude and an underlying acceptance of who we are as an individual are some of the components make up true happiness.
John Wesley quote. Unknown to me, Dad carried a copy of these words with him everyday in his wallet, alongside a range of battered photos of the people that he held dear in his life. I definitely cannot sum it up any better:
Do all the good you can,
by all the means that you can,
by all ways that you can,
in all the places that you can,
at all the times that you,
to all the people that you can,
as long as you ever can.
I sincerely hope that by sharing these deeply personal thoughts with you that they in some way have a positive effect on you as a reader. I have no motive in doing this apart from a personal need to reflect on the legacy of Dad’s life, and somehow record this as a testimony of his time spent with us.
If I have one underlying piece of advice after going through this process, it would be to value and honour the people in your lives that you love. Let no words go unsaid- let them know today how much they mean to you. Live each day together as if it were your last.
Rest in peace Dad.
Malcolm Pickles (25/1/44- 24/9/21)
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